Pal DT and I were discussing the upcoming season. Suddenly, the following appeared in my inbox:
PREDICTIONS FOR THE 2007 FOOTBALL SEASON
The Patriots will win their 4th Super Bowl, defeating the Philadelphia Eagles 27-20 in a rematch of three years ago. Tom Brady will appear to be even more of a stud than people thought possible, particularly after he outplays Peyton Manning in the AFC Championship Game.
Randy Moss will be a model citizen this year and play spectacularly, endearing himself to Pats fans everywhere. One week after the Super Bowl victory, he will be arrested for setting fire to a crowded school bus.
Rodney Harrison will arrive fresh from his 5-game suspension for using HGH ready to play, looking like Jimmie Walker.
In San Diego, Norv Turner will actually devise a play in which the Chargers score in the wrong endzone.
Shawn Merriman will do his sack dance with the Chargers trailing 37-14 and will be felled by snipers.
In an attempt to boost dormant fan interest, the Houston Texans will introduce Cousin Oliver.
In Cincinnati, Carson Palmer will actually throw a first down pass without having the ball leave his hand. He’ll simply reach 10 yards down field and hand the ball to Chad Johnson.
Chad Johnson will later be whistled for delay of game following his newest touchdown celebration, “The Eucharist,” in which he pantomimes administering the Sacrament to 65,000 fans, one at a time.
Later in the season, the Bengals playoff chances will be dealt a serious blow when the entire team is convicted of killing Phil Spector’s girlfriend.
Rather than be forced to play a schedule, the Cleveland Browns will be voted off the island after Week 3.
In New York, Chad Pennington’s arm will remain attached to the last pass he throws in week 4, his cold fingers still clutching the ball as Laverneus Coles takes it in for a TD.
Pennington will later be listed as “day to day.” He will also be listed as a “lefty.”
The Oakland Raiders will replace longtime motto “Just win, baby!” with, “Just kidding, baby!”
In the NFC, Reggie Bush will actually take flight during a game against the Rams, gracefully soaring above the befuddled defense for 75 yards before landing safely in the end zone. The touchdown will count, but the NFL will then fine Bush $1,000 for a “gravitational violation.”
Terrell Owens will blast the city of Dallas for failing to land a professional football team, and then his leggy publicist will issue a clarification stating that TO meant to aim his anger at the city of Indianapolis.
Also in Dallas, Wade Phillips will decline at least 2 Cowboy touchdowns. Offensive tackle Flozell Adams will eat running back Julius Jones by week 9.
Detroit Lions Coach Rod Marinelli, often criticized for highly questionable coaching maneuvers, will assure fans he has a new can’t miss “secret weapon” on offense. The plan will fail when the Acme Super Catapult malfunctions, sending quarterback Jon Kitna careening into the side of a mountain. General Manager Matt Millen will respond by giving Marinelli a 5-year contract extension and drafting a wide receiver.
In New York Giants news, Jeremy Shockey will angrily claim he was misquoted…by Jeremy Shockey.
Also in New York, Eli Manning will actually poo himself in the 4th quarter of a big game, and Tiki Barber will blast Tom Coughlin for playing him at running back and for the disarming of the Iraqi military.
Trying to rebuild the Atlanta Falcons’ image following the Michael Vick embarrassment, team owner Arthur Blank will raise eyebrows when he solves his team’s quarterback controversy by ordering starter hopefuls Joey Harrington and Chris Redman to “fight to the death.”
The Arizona Cardinals, following a 5-11 season, will consider trying a new sport.
In Green Bay, Brett Favre will break a hip attempting the “Lambeau Leap.”
But the Washington Redskins? They’ll still suck. Which is really all that matters.
Cousin Oliver. Heh. That’s teh funny.