So you’ve probably heard about the way Democrats and
Republicans are coming together in a heart-rending show of unity, joining hands
and singing “Kumbaya” as they put aside their differences and patriotically
hand over, no strings attached, $800,000,000,000—or about $2500 on behalf of
every single man, woman and child in these here United States of America—to the
exact same people who got us in this financial disaster.
No strings attached? Seriously?
Check it out. Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson says
things are so critical that we must act immediately, without delay, this very
second. He simply must be handed close to A TRILLION DOLLARS.
But one of the conditions of him accepting this money—I have
a hard time believing this is true, even as I type it, and yet it is—is a
clause which specifically says he can do whatever he wants with the money and
there will be absolutely no oversight. [Check out Section 8—aptly named, at
Wrap your head around that for a moment. Then go and pick up
the pieces whence they scattered after it exploded and see if you can’t put ‘em
all back together in approximately the right order.
“So, it’s like this, folks: we’re terrible at our jobs. I
mean, seriously, terrible. TERRIBLE. Let me put it to you this way: we’re so horrible
at our jobs, if we were actors, we’d make Steve Gutenberg look like Marlon
freakin’ Brando. If we were athletes, we’d make Stephen Hawking look like
Michael freakin’ Jordan. If we were musicians, we’d make Biz Markie look like Dmitri наркоман
“Put simply, we suck at a
level of suckitude rarely witnessed on this planet.
“Oh, and also? We’re greedy.
I mean, you cannot even begin to comprehend just how greedy we are. You can't do it, my friends. You can't.
are we, you ask? Well, we ran these mammoth companies into the ground. But we
didn’t care. See, we got ours—millions and millions and millions per year.
Yeah, sure, investors are likely to lose pretty much everything, and thousands
of employees—the ones who didn’t make millions—are likely to be out of jobs.
Oh, and because the companies were so big and we sucked so bad, we very nearly
pushed the world to the bring of the first global depression in eighty years.
“But if you try to put any
limits on how much our executives can get compensated? If, for instance, you
say that none of them can make more than, say, $2,000,000 a year? Well, then,
in that case, we’re not going to take your money. We’d rather the entire globe
was plunged into a depression, and that the United States government went
That’s a paraphrase, of
As far as I can tell, if
this goes through, Paulson would be able—legally—to do whatever he wanted with
the money. As far as I can tell, he could buy, I dunno, Bermuda for $800
billion. And there’s nothing anyone could do to stop him. Because that’s what
he’s demanding: complete and total autonomy with no accountability to anyone
How insane is that? We got
in this mess because we didn’t have the proper safeguards in place. This
maroon’s solution: give him the largest handout in the history of money…and
make sure there are no safeguards.
Obviously, fire this idiot,
post-haste. And get someone competent—such as someone who’s been warning for
years that this was headed our way—to fix what these bastards broke. They gambled with, it now turns out, our money. Privatize the profits, socialize the loss.
Well, screw that. It’s very nearly time to
break out the pitchforks and torches.