So Top Management did one of the things she does best, and done popped out another kid. Because, as her mother always told her, find what you do best and do your best at it. Some take that sort of advice and become Nobel prize laureates for chemistry, others become Oscar-winning directors, or perhaps long-distance truck drivers. Top Management finds her gift and becomes a brilliant writer…and popper-outer of chillens. In ginormous quantities.
Hence our newest acquisition, cleverly named The Baby. Weighing in at a hefty damn 9 pounds and 12 ounces, we cannot quite figure out how that was physically possible. The nurses were stunned that my petite good lady wife delivered such a chunk of babby au natural: our main nurse, in fact, had never in her five year on the job assisted in a delivery where drugs weren't involved. (As pertains to the mother, that is: I was totally out of my mind on crack. I don't do well in the delivery room.)
The kid might have been even heavier, but the very first thing he did upon entering this world was to pee. A truly amazing amount. All over the nurse. In fact, he peed so much that it was agreed he might have tipped 10 pounds had he waited a bit to void. I worry about his impulse control, and cannot imagine where he could have gotten that. Then I recall that I now have six children and the fog begins to clear the teeniest bit.
In answer to one of the first questions (answer to the very first: yes, ten fingers and ten toes), no, he is not adorable. Nor is he gorgeous. Nor is he beautiful. He is a newborn. Newborns are ugly. Ugly ugly ugly. It's not their fault. It's just the fact. Caucasian babies, at least, either look like little pink raisins or little pink frogs, or some unholy combination of the two.
And although Top Management and I produce kids which are, frankly, undeserving of their parents in terms of appearance—as my brother Ler Pete once said, "Hey, man, no offense, but your kids are way, way better looking than either of you guys"—we do not do so well with the newborns.
So. Although I assume he'll turn out one day to be as fine-lookin' a specimen as his older siblings:
for now, he looks more like this, only with less hair.
Welcome to the world, kid.
I'm your dad.